I’m a little teapot Short and foul mouthed I don’t like children Or cats in my house I don’t like horses, Piss off dogs, Rack off people And fuck off frogs *** A sailor went out to sea, sea, sea Because he wanted to have a great big wee He struggled and heaved But couldn’t…
I write this sitting in the kitchen sink. I’ve always been short for my age, and I pride myself on my contortionist skills. My mother, who has dwarfism like me, regularly has to stand on some kitchen steps to wash the potatoes. But here I sit, in the sink, swishing the bubbles to and fro.…
Julie Montgomery was blessed with two parents who still loved each other as much as they loved their only child. When Julie was only two years of age Miriam, Julie’s mother, was ‘ruined’ internally by a violent home invasion that left her viciously raped and unable to have any more children. After the incident Miriam…
‘Scalpel.’ ‘Scalpel’ ‘I’m making an incision along the medial articulate line’ ‘Yes doctor’ ‘Forceps’ ‘Forceps’ Doctor Gerald Handsome, the city’s most skilled fracturalotomy surgeon, opened up the incision he had made and peered into the abyss he had opened up. He rummaged around in it. ‘Bugger,’ he exclaimed. ‘Yes doctor?’ ‘My wedding ring isn’t there.’…
The question occurred to me the other day, what do women want? Now, this isn’t the first time in my sixty odd years on earth that I’ve been interested in what women want, but it is the first time I’ve been interested in what women of my senior age are looking for when they are…
“My wife and I love unicorn snot. Her eczema has cleared up and my ‘personal bedroom problems’ have fixed themselves. Her Ying has never looked shinier and my Yang is now well-balanced and has a healthy colour. And with a SPF factor of 30, we bask in the knowledge that we are also protected from the…
“Unicorn snot is my secret ingredient. Once I wake up in the morning, the first thing I reach for on my bedside table is my tube of unicorn snot. It refreshes my face and elbows, and help balance my yang. As an influencer, its important that I believe in the products I talk about, and…
Fellow men, shampoo is an everyday item, used by every family in the land. Well, nearly every family. There’s one household that doesn’t use it, and they don’t miss it. They don’t miss the grunge and mould that it encourages on the shower glass, they don’t miss the expense of it (can you believe the…
I’m a big fan of Billie Eilish and her subversive pop. I’ve been known to play the ‘Billie Eilish Essentials’ iTunes playlist on high rotation whilst driving, which is something I do a lot. There was a lot of build-up about her latest album, ‘Happier Than Ever’, and I wasted no time in bundling my…
I only shower once a fortnight. There, I’ve said it. It will turn noses up. Chairs will be moved away from me. Delicate sensibilities have been offended. But why the gap between showering? Don’t my friends say something? Don’t I smell? No, I don’t smell. I’ve asked my friends and they are always brutally honest…